The answers of "this is a fact of life" and "sometimes it just happens" weren't sitting well with me. And so, in a completely vulnerable state, I did something I hadn't done in a very long time.
I walked downstair and grabbed my bible.... the pink Precious Moments bible I was given on the day of my first communion back in 2nd grade.
I understood that there were medical terms for all of everything. It wasn't enough. I needed something more. I was looking for a much more spiritual answer and this, if anywhere, would be where I could find it.
I didn't know where to look. The thousands of pages and stories of the bible can seem pretty daunting when you are looking for something so specific.
I went to Catholic schools for 13 years. I had, to date, received all of my sacraments. I'd been through hours upon hours of theology classes, learning about church history and doctrine. Something I had not done since I was a little girl, however, was to just read.
So I randomly opened the book and started reading. I had opened it to Luke 1:5-25.
Once when Zechariah's division was on duty and he was serving as priest before God, he was chosen by lot, according to the custom of the priesthood, to go into the temple of the Lord and burn incense. And when the time for the burning of incense came, all the assembled worshipers were praying outside. Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. But the angel said to him: 'Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. He is never to take wine or other fermented drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth. Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous--to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.'
Zechariah asked the angel, 'How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.'
The angel answered, 'I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their proper time.'
Meanwhile, the people were waiting for Zechariah and wondering why he stayed so long in the temple. When he came out, he could not speak to them. They realised he had seen a vision in the temple, for he kept making signs to them but remained unable to speak. When his time of service was completed, he returned home. After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for five months remained in seclusion. 'The Lord has done this for me,' she said. 'In these days he has shown his favour and taken away my disgrace among the people.'
For all intensive purposes, Elizabeth and Zechariah shouldn't have been having children... yet she gave birth to a healthy baby boy and named him John.
I won't lie. I was kind of hurt. She was supposedly beyond her child bearing years, and here I was in my prime and my arms were empty. I turned a couple pages.
Most people know the following story that I read.... if you don't, you should really read it.
Gabriel appeared to a virgin, by the name of Mary, and told her that she would conceive a child by the power of the Holy Spirit, who would be called Jesus, and that he would be the Son of the Most High.
When Mary asked how it could possibly be (remember, she's a virgin) he told her "For with God nothing will be impossible."
Something struck me after reading these two passages. I wasn't sure what it was yet, but they stuck out in my mind. At the time it was a hard pill for me to swallow.... I went searching for answers as to why God let my baby die and find that two women who, for all intensive purposes shouldn't be having children, were not only pregnant but gave birth to two healthy boys.
Charlotte just didn't feel right. While we never had complete confirmation that our baby was a girl or boy, Mark and I both had felt as if "it" was in fact a "she". While I still adore the name Charlotte and think it is beautiful.... it just didn't seem right anymore, and I didn't know why.
I daydreamed about how I wish Gabriel would show up next to me so maybe I could ask him a few questions if God wasn't going to answer me ..... he must be pretty important if he's sent on such world changing missions.
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