nuchal translucency screening

Mark and I woke up at 5:30 this morning to get ready to go to the hospital for our screening test.
They began the ultrasound and we saw our little peanut "sleeping"... after a cough and some jiggling they woke up and it was just amazing....
Little fingers and toes and a knee and a perfect little mouth opening and closing. Just amazing.
The amount of fluid behind the neck looked perfectly normal, and see that little bitty nasal bone gave me a sense of relief.
Never before was I concerned about down syndrome, or trisomy 13 or trisomy 18 or other "defects", but as I layed through this screening you can't help but wonder if everything looks normal.
And it does. : ) The blood results will come back on Monday or Tuesday.
We had the test done because we never had any sort of chromosonal testing done when I had a D&C with Gabrielle.... if you remember from my previous post I was TOLD they were doing it, but in fact they never did. We wanted to know that the only thing we're looking at at this point is MTHFR that led to my children's death.

So three wonderful things happened today:
We saw our little wiggle worm.
They look perfectly wonderful.
We're having a GIRL!

With about 90% assurace, the tech feels confident that our little one is a girl and we are over the moon. We would be completely happy with either gender, but it feels so good knowing either way.

A girl..... WOW. I am still in shock I think. I've been so used to sweater vests and a choice of either plaid or stripes with a little boy for nearly 7 years now that the thought of pinks, purples, frills, and bows is so... NEW. Refreshing.

I can't wait to meet you, Reagan Elizabeth.
xo-Momma

STRESS

I am so incredibly stressed. I am emotionally and physically drained and feel like I'm on the edge of a total melt down.

Through all of my best rest my work has been far from understanding. The day I came back I was written up and was told "this really doesn't look good for you". The hired a temp 2 days before I was due back at work. They never called or responded to my e-mails. Nope. Just hired a temp and then wanted to punish me for it.

The temp has been gone for a few weeks now. The whole experience left a sour taste in my mouth. I used up all of the PTO and sick time I had at the time. Believe me... I would have much rather used my vacation for an actual vacation.

I had terrible stomach pains earlier today. It felt like contractions. This is my fourth pregnancy and I've never felt anything like this before, other than when I was in labor with my son some 6 years ago.

They did an ultrasound and the baby was fine. Heart was still beating. He/she measured at 13w6d. They want me to go have a special sort of ultrasound done at the hospital. Everyone was booked. The only time I can get in is in two days. They told me to get there at 7am and they can get me out at 8 so I can still make it to work by 8:30.

We all know how hospitals work. I won't get out of there on time, no matter how early I get there. Which will make me late to work, which will most likely get me fired.

I can't lose my job right now. We need the money. Who is going to hire a pregnant woman? I am up a shit creek without a paddle.

I'm doing what I need to do for my health and for my baby... so why does my work try to make me choose between my baby and them? I'm doing the best I can possibly do, and it's just never EVER enough.

the truth of it all....

I'm hurting. Badly. And it sounds so silly as I see this baby grow week to week with weekly ultrasounds. I really hope noone takes this as me being ungrateful or unappreciative of the glorious gift from God I have growing in my belly.

My husband and I celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary last month over Thanksgiving weekend. It was also 8 months from the day I went to the hopsital and Gabby no longer had a heart beat.

I thought of how we should have been spending the day with our 1 month old daughter. How we should be settling into some rough draft of a routine. How we should be brainstorming a list for her first Christmas.

We put the Christmas tree up, Mark Colin and I, and as we took out each of the ornaments I paid especially close attention to the ones from my childhood. The ornament from my first Christmas (I was a ridiculously chubby baby.. Colin will tell you I was "fat"... I still prefer chubby), the one from my first ballet recital, the one from when I turned 16 (a pink convertible). It made me think of our daughter. It made me think of the tradition I should have been passing on to her: purchasing that special ornament each holiday season to show her milestones. Gabrielle and Ryan will never have any milestones. They never had the chance. We were robbed of the opportunity.

We put up our stockings, with our NOEL stocking holders, over the fireplace. We hung our red and green stockings with our initials.... M. K. C. The L of NOEL was empty. It reminded me as I looked at the off balance letters of the emptiness. It reminded me that Gabby and Ryan will never run down the stairs on Christmas morning to see what Santa left for them in their stockings.

Don't get me wrong. At the same exact moment of all of these thoughts, I very much think of what our son or daughter will be doing next year on their first Christmas.

I have such conflicting feelings right now. Feelings of grief and joy. Despair and hope. Feelings that really don't logically make any sense put together.... but that's how I feel.

I don't talk of this with anyone. Not even my husband. It's not that he wouldn't care or wouldn't understand, but right now I really don't want to bring him down. I bottle this up inside and it eats at me.

Often times I feel guilty for being happy and excited for the baby in a strange way... almost as if I'm betraying Gabby and Ryan. Like they would think I'm forgetting them or that they aren't as important to me anymore. Like I'm moving on..... and I'm not. I don't want to move on. I refuse to. I won't leave them behind.

I'm moving forward. I'm excited at the weeks and months and years ahead of us. I'm excited for us to find out the gender of our baby, get the house ready for them, and to finally hold him or her in my arms.

I feel others forgetting... like this baby is supposed to wipe out the past year of devastation. Like Gabby and Ryan "didn't count" or were "false alarms" or something of that nature. Noone has said that.... that's just how it feels.

so here I am coming clean. These are the main reasons I have fallen behind on my blog. In hindsight it probably would have been best to write, but I just couldn't. I was having a hard enough time processing all of these thoughts and emotions, much less put words to them.

let's talk about sex, baby.... (gender, that is)

When I was pregnant with Gabby this question came up a lot....
"So what do you want... a boy or a girl?"

This pregnancy it has been an extremely common question, and I can't blame people.

This is what I really want: A healthy, living, breathing baby in my arms. A baby I can sing to and cuddle with and raise with my beloved husband. A baby I can watch grow and learn and explore. A baby I can love so much it hurts.

Gender really doesn't matter to me. Truly. I mean that 100%. I've become a firm believer that God gives us exactly what we're supposed to have.

My husband is 1 of 3 boys. I look at him with his brothers and even though they ages aren't necessarily close, they are about as close as it gets. It's beautiful.

So just because I have a living son doesn't mean that I'll be disappointed in another.

I just want a baby..... isn't that enough to be thankful for?