Gabriel pays another visit before surgery

The next day I was being prepped for surgery. I had the gown, slippers, cap and all.

I thought for a split second that maybe they'll mess up or something and I won't have to come back. I then remembered it was a pretty routine procedure.

Mark, as always, was right by my side. His mom gave to offer us both some support, and I was so grateful knowing that while I was under Mark had someone with him.

I brought part of the gift I had given Mark when I first told him I was pregnant. A yellow newborn bath robe with a little duckie on it, and it said "I Love Daddy". I held on to it with everything I had in me. I felt like my son and his baby blanket.... this was the only tangible thing I had from the pregnancy.

There was so much paperwork to I had to sign, and once again had to argue over having our baby's remains buried. They tried to put up a fight, but maybe it was the first sight of "momma bear" that they decided to back off.

Mark held my hand and stroked my hair the whole time I was waiting. I could see the worry on his face. I hate seeing him worried.

Mark's mom came back and told me that a group of women at her church, St. Gabriel's, were praying for us.

And it hit me. Gabriel. First the dream, twice the passages the day before in the bible, and now another mention of the archangel. A name I rarely ever heard had been stuck in front of me 4 times in the past 3 days.

I looked at Mark and told him that her name was Gabrielle. She had to be named Gabrielle. And he agreed.

They wheeled me back for surgery, and the sobbing came. I tried to be graceful. I tried to be proper. It just hurt so bad. I was allowing them to take my baby from me. I cried into that robe and looked around the sterile white room with huge machines looming over my head and everyone dressed for surgery. I cried until the anesthesia took over and everything went black.

I woke up feeling refreshed. I felt as if I had caught up on years of sleep. I started to come to and recognized the nurse I saw before surgery with way too much makeup on. I thought about how terrifying it would be for a child to wake up to that, because it nearly scared everything out of me.  Mark came. I felt numb and confused.

I held it together most of the rest of that day..... I just didn't know what to think or feel.