oh, the things people say (and don't say)

So as I was trying to come to terms with what was going on...

enter in the people who either don't know what to say, feel like what they think they have to say is an ingenious idea, or try to find something to say and it ends up being more hurtful... and of course the ones that say nothing at all.

So before we get into all of that, let me tell you what the RIGHT thing to say is.

Repeat after me. " I know that these words don't take away the pain, but I am sorry for your loss and am here for you however you need me."

That's all. Pretty simple. Sadly, these words aren't said often..... instead, I heard:

"Oh my gosh, what did you do?"- I didn't do anything, you moron. I did everything I was supposed to. Thank you for blaming me.

"Well, there was something wrong with your baby. What if they would have been retarded or something? Man, that would have sucked for you. It's better this way." Excuse me, pea brain. Nothing is better this way. Nothing was wrong with my baby, and even if there was something "wrong", I would have loved them no less. What an insensitive comment. How do you look at yourself in the mirror everyday?

"At least you have Colin." Are you insinuating that this child was supposed to be Colin's replacement or something.... is that why you think that Colin replaces this child? I love my son with my whole heart, but no child ever replaces another. EVER.

" If you think this hurts, imagine how all of those people with infertility feel?" Wow.... where do people like you come from? I have several friends that have struggled with infertility for quite some time. My heart breaks with them. What does my baby DYING have to do with someone trying to get pregnant? These are two totally separate issues, and thank you for suggesting that I should be grateful somehow for what has happened.

"Don't worry... you'll have another baby." *sigh* here we go again talking about replacement children. The last thing I'm thinking about when I have just learned that my baby is dead is having another baby. I want MY baby back. Another baby will never replace this baby. Ever.

" I know of women that have had several miscarriages/stillborns, etc." Thank you for not only discrediting my pain, but for now putting the thought in my head that this will continue to happen over, and over, and over again.

"Well, I can see why you're sad. But don't worry, you'll get over it soon enough." Losing a baby is not something that you "get over". It's never something you forget. Why don't you go hang out with the people with the infertility and retardation comments.

These are just a few of the comments I've heard. They all hurt. They weren't asked for or needed. Yet, people like to say them. Why? I'll never know. Honestly, even just saying "I don't know what to say other that I'm sorry" is completely acceptable.

I digress. This is where the disappointment in people comes into play. People that were supposed to be some of our closest friends and even family members. I don't name names... this isn't an attack on anyone. This is mostly written for BLM's that are shocked at how people closest to them could say things like this, or people who know of someone that has lost.

Flowers were sent to us as were sympathy cards, and it was a bittersweet feeling. I thought of the flowers that should have been at the hospital after delivery and the "Congratulations!" cards that should have been arriving. Instead it was sorry for your loss and sympathy flowers.... but it also made me happy. I was so happy that other people could acknowledge our loss. That they understood how much our baby was loved.

But, with the people you are disappointed in comes the people who blow you away with kindness. Remember that bridal shower I talked about earlier, when I first thought I was pregnant? Well, that couple was married the week before the trip to the ER. A friend of mine, their photographer, took a picture of Mark and I at their wedding. It's the last picture of me pregnant. It's the "old me".... the me who was living a completely naive pregnancy and assumed that just because she was pregnant that she would give birth and all would end well. The me that had many months of nursery planning and baby naming and chocolate cake cravings in the middle of the night. The girl who still had some innocence left in her and had no clue what sort of darkness was right around the corner.

There we are. The Moore's. Newlyweds in love, beaming over the joy of a little one on the way.

Until the rug was ripped out underneath us.

Back to the "new" newlyweds of the family. So Mark's cousin was married in March and afterwards, he and his new bride went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. His wife sent me the most amazing message.... she heard what had happened and was so kind to take time out of her joyous time in beautiful Jamaica to write me a message of sympathy. We arranged to meet for breakfast when they returned. I was so touched. Someone could make time for us thousands of miles away while some of the people closest to us didn't bother with an e-mail, text message, or phone call.

The wife and I are like peanut butter and jelly.... we just get each other. Much to our husbands' demise sometimes, but it's a beautiful relationship that I cherish.... and she's a big part of this story as well... more about that later.

As I mentioned in my very first post about being consumed by darkness, and finding just a little glimmer of light..... she was part of that little beam of sunshine, and I love her for it.