sweet lullabies

I'm not one for the toys or moblies that go in or on baby's crib to lull them back to sleep... 1: you will fly through batteries at a ridiculous rate, and 2: once they go off at their designated time, you're going back into the room to start them all over again... which means baby sees you and it kind of defeats the purpose.

With Colin, I took my oldest cousin's wife's advice and played a CD on repeat. It was perfect. Colin's favorite was a cd called Lullaby Bereuse. It's a collection of lullabies in French. For those of you that don't speak French, I'm sure you would find it sweet because it's such a beautiful language. For those of you that do speak French, I'm sure you would thoroughly enjoy it like it did. There is just something magical about simple words in a foreign language. One little whimsical song is about little different colored chickens that I always got a kick out of (noone else ever understood that the song was about chickens), but the one that always worked wonders of Colin was "Bonne Nuit" (Good Night) and was sung to the tune of Brahm's lullaby.

It was my go to song to soothe and comfort him, and I remember like yesterday singing it to him whenever he was upset and him immediately calming down and staring up at me with his big brown eyes and thick band of dark eyelashes, reaching up towards my face with his tiny little hands. Singing that song is one of my fondest memories of bonding with my son... it's like he just understood all of the love that was surrounding him and that there was no need cry.

As Colin grew and was learning to speak, he would pick up on the words of the song, and now at almost 7 years old he still enjoys singing what he calls "the crying song" with me. Hearing his sweet little voice sing such simple French words brings me back to his nursery in the middle of the night, completely exhausted but not wanting to trade those moments for the world.

These memories are what brought me to thinking of what special songs I would have with my future children... would they share "Bonne Nuit" with me and Colin, or would we have our own special songs.... just for us.

When we found out that we are having a baby girl, I thought back to my childhood and was so excited to share some of my favorite things with my daughter. I loved Disney movies. I remember my dad had taped Sleeping Beauty twice on the same VHS so that when it was over it would replay ( in order to avoid a complete melt down from me), and I loved Cinderella. Which triggered a memory of my favorite song from Cinderella. "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes"

 

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

I find it overly appropriate for our rainbow baby... the one who gaves us hope after the storm. I can't wait to hold her and sing this to her... and I hope that as she grows older she'll remember this song and know to never give up on her dreams, no matter what heartache may come.

 

it's been a while...

It's been a while since I've posted. I'm not exactly sure why. Let's start with an update:

Baby is doing great! I'm currently 19 weeks and she's (yep, she's still a she!) quite the wiggle worm. It started with flutters and now her movements are much more pronounced. We've decided to name her Reagan Elizabeth (Elizabeth after her Gabrielle). I love that Reagan is of Irish origin meaning "the king's child" because she certainly indeed is our little princess, and Elizabeth meaning "God's promise". We're planning on painting her nursery tomorrow night a beautiful shade of faint lavender and I can't wait to walk past a room every day to remind me that she is coming.
 I've been so focused on researching everything online and web "window shopping" for her, and although I think it's normal for every pregnant woman to do it to some extent, I often wonder if I'm overdoing it. I've done a lot of reflection the past few weeks and have concluded that it is my way of staying positive... of telling myself "she IS coming and you need to be ready!"... of saying "everything is going to be okay."
What's thrown me off the saddle has been my mental difficulty with the second trimester. I had myself so concerned with getting through the first without miscarrying again and thought I would settle comfortably into the second and just enjoy. And I do enjoy, believe me. But I often find my mind racing with anxiety and concerns about something going wrong.
When the Duggar's lost their baby, one of my subconsious thoughts was "What will we do? Will we have a memorial? Will people think we are totally insane because we have pictures of her?... because they cannot see the beauty in the few minutes that we had with her? Because they are naive and just don't understand?".
One of my reactions to a baby shower for Reagan was google searching "what do you do with baby shower gifts when the baby dies".
It's not healthy. I know this. I can't control it. I obviously want none of these things to happen... I feel so much love for this baby that the thought of her being taken away completely terrifies me.
And I chalk a lot of it up to not preparing myself. To being naive and thinking that after the first trimester my anxieties would be gone.

I've taken quite a bit of heat for this blog.... I've received a few messages from people trying to tell me that my blog is insulting and negative and that I need to be thankful for what I do have and quit dwelling on my miscarriages. So once again, I will reitterate:

This is my blog. Noone is forcing you to read this. My grief is MY grief and I will not be told what to do with it. Not that I have to explain this to anyone, but I'll continue. I am terribly grateful for my life.... I have an amazing husband, and gorgeous little boy, a beautiful home, and a loving family. None of these things take away the fact that I have lost two children, and losing two children doesn't negate the fact that my spouse is fantastic, my son's a great as they come, and we adore our family and our home. So again, this is my journey. I am working through everything. If you already knew everything there was about losing a pregnancy and moving forward, then I don't see why you are here. YOUR negative and insulting comments are not wanted or necessary. And start from the beginning and read through. Picking some of the most "down" entries does not speak for the entire blog.