My cousin..... after months of trying..... went to the doctor for an ultrasound to see if they could find out why she was having trouble conceiving....
She was pregnant.
The family was so overjoyed for her and her husband, and when I first found out I was pregnant with Gabrielle I couldn't wait to tell her that her baby would have a cousin following them a few months later.
She gave birth to her son in March.... just a few days before the day we found out Gabby no longer had a heartbeat. When I first found out I was so happy for her. I had planned to go to his baptism a month or so later and because it was still early in the pregnancy, an out of state trip shouldn't have been a problem.
and then dooms day. I couldn't bear it. As happy as I was for my cousin and her family and the love I felt for the little boy she had just brought into the world, it was so difficult for me to see the e-mails of his pictures and hear of everything he was doing.
It was not jealousy. It just reminded me of what I had lost.
Because of the time I took off of work, I was not able to go to his baptism in May. I tried several times to go to the store to send him a gift, and each and every time I pulled up I just couldn't bring myself to do it... to go through the torture of being surrounded by new moms, their babies, and all of the adorable baby things. I tried to call, but as I was dialing the number I thought of how the conversation would go and how it would put me back in such a dark place of wanting my baby girl back.
I wanted to, but I couldn't.
She's mad at me. I hurt her. I didn't mean to intentionally, and even though I've tried to explain it I don't think she understands. I hope she never has to. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, much less someone I love.... And I do love her. I always will. I think of us as children and how much I looked up to her. How I wanted to dress like her. How cool and pretty I thought she was.
It hurt that others expected me to be so overjoyed for them but couldn't at least acknowledge what had happened to my husband, my son, and me. It still hurts.
I haven't spoken to her in months. I don't know if I will speak to her again.... only time will tell. She's made it pretty clear how badly she has been hurt and has no desire to speak to me, and that's her decision.
Like I said, if it means she doesn't have to lose a baby, I'd rather her be mad at me than understand.
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