I can't believe it's already been a year since we found out our baby didn't have a heartbeat. Some days it feels like life has always been this way, but most others feel like it just happened yesterday. I can say from my experience with Colin that being a parent is a very selfless sort of love... I don't think children ever truly appreciate all that you do for them, but regardless you wouldn't change a thing. I believe that being a baby loss parent is even more selfless.... you love someone you never could hold, who will never hug you back or return your "I love you's". Many other people don't recognize you as a parent to the child that you lost... some think that you may be down for a few days but you'll be back to your old self. I often think of everything prior to March 27, 2011 as "old me" and every day after as "new me"... a new me I'm still getting to know. Just when I think I have it all figured out I still catch myself off guard sometimes. I don't think that grieving your child is ever something that you truly "figure out"... I think it is an ongoing process that changes as time passes.
I have dreaded this day for the past year. I like to think of Gabby having the most fabulous birthday party with all of the other babies who were lost too soon and the joy they must be experiencing celebrating the day that she went to heaven. The incredibly petty part of me kicks in and I want to be the person to throw her that birthday party.... to decorate and plan a huge bash celebrating the anniversary of the arrival of my little girl. Colin and I picked up a little round birthday cake yesterday from the store so that the three of us can sing "Happy Birthday" tonight. The woman at the store asked Colin who the cake was for and he simply told her it was for his little sister in heaven and that Jesus was throwing her a HUGE party. I'm sure it wasn't the answer she was expecting. I am so incredibly proud of my son and his pure honesty. He tells everything as if it's a fact of life, and sadly the fact in our lives is that he does have two other siblings who have died before we could get to know them. I am envious of his honest view of life that doesn't allow for the complications of the adult mind. He doesn't see anything odd about having a birthday cake... in fact he wanted the plates and napkins and balloons.... the whole nine yards. He greeted me this morning with "Momma... it's Gabby's birthday!!!!" just as he would if she was sitting right next to him.
So the question I was presented with today was "how do you celebrate a life that had barely started?". The best answer I can give today is you keep going. You keep loving and you keep remembering.... even if that love isn't being returned..... even if no one else remembers or thinks it's bizarre that you do. You honor your child by speaking of them, or by a moment of silence, or your silent tears that noone sees. There are so many ways to celebrate the tiny little miracle you carried inside of you and none of them are wrong.
And so to my baby girl.... Happy happy first birthday in heaven, my angel. Words can't tell you how loved and missed you are. I can't wait until the day I can celebrate with you.
All my heart, soul, and love,
Momma
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Reagan at 24 weeks
I went for another ultrasound last week with Colin in tow to check her growth (it's a concern with babies who only have one umbilical artery). She was measuring in the 29th percentile so the doctor was happy (and I was relieved!). The ultrasound tech said she was measuring exactly to date and that she weighs about 1lb 5 oz. She also saw that she's been swallowing (another good sign!) and that she's been practice breathing. I was told that they look for that at 28 weeks so to see it now made everyone very happy campers.
Before the ultrasound Colin and I went to IHOP for breakfast and were surrounded by a ton of older women in there for their weekly coffee clutch. As ususal he was a big hit and they fawned all over him, and he boasted that he has a baby sister in his momma's belly. Then one of them asked if this was his first little sister and immediately the panic mode in me set in all over again. Colin looked up from our "tic tac toe" game on the table and smiled at her and said "No, I already have a baby sister. Her name is Gabby. She lives in heaven with my brother Ryan and God." Then he went back to beat me in yet another game and didn't think to see anyone's reaction. I was so incredibly proud of my son.... I envy his ability to speak the truth with such innoncence and honesty and not think twice about how anyone would react.
After the ultrasound we went to "Build A Bear" and Colin made Reagan her first teddy bear.
I can't wait until she's here and he can give it to her. Just 12 more weeks until we go in to be induced.
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