And then there was darkness...

Mark's parents came over on March 27, 2011 to help us install a new back door.

Little did Mark know but I wasn't feeling so hot that day. Two days before, when I went to the restroom, I thought I noticed some discoloration on the toilet paper. I chalked it up to poor lighting and paranoia.

The next day, I thought I saw it again, but when I checked for it there was nothing.

However, that day, I saw it. For sure. I tried to calm myself by saying over and over again in my head that there was nothing to worry about. Plenty of women notice spotting and the pregnancy is perfectly fine.

Folks, I'm not a calm person. Ask Mark. I drive him insane.

I called my doctor. He told me it was probably nothing and that if it worsened to give him a call.

Sure it enough, there was more.

The doctor told me to relax, put my feet up, and if it got any worse or I started cramping to call.

An hour later the cramping began.

We went to the ER. Colin stayed with Grandma and Grandpa. I prayed the entire car ride. I tried telling myself I was crazy and insane and a basketcase and a worry wart.

We arrived at the ER and checked in at the desk. I told them I was just past 10 weeks pregnant and the doctor told me to come in for spotting and cramping. They sat me in a wheelchair, started an IV, and I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

4 hours Mark and I waited as I watched pregnant woman after pregnant woman rush by in labor followed by  their families, the proud daddies catching the whole life changing experience on camera. I watched newborn after newborn come in.

And it finally started to hit me. What if something really IS wrong? What if I get back there and it's not all ok like I keep telling myself.

I was finally taken back and changed into a gown, just to wait some more. The doctor finally came in checked me. He said that the spotting had returned back to brown (old blood) and that everything should be just fine. He told me to follow up with my obgyn in the morning. And then he tried to leave.

I stopped him and told him I wasn't leaving until there was an ultrasound or at least a doppler. Everything "should be" okay wasn't cutting it for me. I didn't wait almost 5 hours until this point to hear "should be".

Another hour past, and with it my anxiety heightened. In came a resident with the ultrasound machine. I laid back and tried to relax but was staring hard at the screen.

"There's your little peanut! See? Everything's just fine!"

A wave of relief came over me, just to be followed with more anxiety.
I realized I didn't hear her gorgeous thumping heartbeat as we had heard twice before.

"Where's the heartbeat? Is the baby's heartbeat okay?"

She turned the screen away from us, and after complete silence for several minutes other than me asking louder and louder "Where is my baby's heartbeat?!" she finally said the most horrifying words anyone should ever have to hear.

"I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat. I'm so very sorry."

My world stopped. Everything came screeching to a halt. All of my concerns over stupid everyday things were gone. I heard nothing but ringing in my ears.

My God, my child is dead. How is my baby dead. No, NO. This isn't happening. Why did you do this God? Why did you take our baby from us? Why are you punishing me? What have I done so wrong that you would hate me enough to take my baby from me? WHY? Where are you when I need you?

My child was dead, and a part of me died as well.