loving the unlovable

I just read something that seems to apply to the last post.

"The most memorable people in life will be the friends that loved you when you weren't very lovable."

Believe me, I was far from lovable. I was angry, depressed, miserable, confused, lost, and hurt. I looked terrible, I felt terrible, I was completely consumed by my pain and my heartache.

I pushed my husband away when I didn't feel he was grieving the same way. I stopped caring about myself completely. I prayed that I could just go be with her, have a serious talk with God about why He allowed my baby to die, and never have to come back to such a sick hurting world. I was hurt when others tried to force me out of the house, and hurt when everyone else's lives went on without us. I was angry at the people who should have cared, who should have called, and who should have stopped by.

I felt betrayed by the laws of nature, by God, by some friends and family members.

I was full of anger, rage, and hate.

Most of my problem is that I was really blaming myself. I was the only connection our baby had with the world. My job was to keep her safe in my womb.... and I failed. Something went wrong, and it was my unintentional fault she was dead. I felt betrayed by my very own self.... and that is a very tough battle to have.

I felt as if I had failed my child, my husband, my son, our family. I felt completely worthless as a woman and as a mother and a wife.

I hated myself.

So thank you to everyone who loved me when I most certainly was not lovable. Especially to you Mark... you're who pulled me through... thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself.