Hey baby girl. : ) You're quite the mover and shaker today... it may sound a bit muffled in there but your brother and I like to read "Mr. Seahorse" to you at night.... the book by Eric Carle about daddy fish taking care of their babies.
We saw you yesterday at the doctors office and it made for such an awesome Valentine's day. I could stare at you forever. You are just beautiful.
Daddy felt you kick for the first time the other night... keep up those big kicks little girlfriend!
I worry often if you can sense sadness inside of me, and I just want you to know that I'm not sad about you AT ALL. Sometimes I get sad because I miss your brother and sister and because I worry about losing you. I can't bear it. I'm doing my best to be strong, and I need you to be strong too sweetheart. Please.
The doctor says that we're being induced on June 1st. I can't believe it.... that's only 3 1/2 months away. Stay strong my darling. We have a whole life to live together.
Love,
Momma
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Please don't....
Please don't tell me that you understand, when you have no idea. When you haven't lost a baby. Don't tell me you can understand what it is like to have to call around town to find a place to bury your child and actually have to have the words " my baby" come out of your mouth when the director asks who you are looking to bury.
Please don't tell me what it's like to see a baby on the ultrasound screen and realize there's no movement... to hear the words "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat" ringing in your ears. That all of the hopes and dreams that you once had have gone up in flames and will never, EVER, come to fruition. That you understand jumping out of bed in the middle of the night because you thought you heard a baby crying. That you dream, or have nightmares rather, of seeing your deceased babies and chasing after them as some stranger takes them away from you.... but you never catch up.... and they are gone forever.
Please don't tell me that you know what it's like to try to cut a deal with God and ask him to take you instead so that they can have a chance... that you really, truly, come to a point of being completely okay with dying if you know that your babies will be alive.
Please don't tell me that you "know" or that you "understand" what it's like when you haven't lost a child. Be so grateful that you haven't. Be jubilantly grateful. Be so thankful that there is not a missing hole in your heart that nothing and noone can fill. Be happy that people don't avoid you or just stop talking to you all together. Be glad that people don't excuse themselves from the room or quickly change the subject when you bring up your child's name... like just hearing their name means the black plague.
Tell me that you're sorry. Tell me that you're here for me. Tell me that my feelings are "understandable". But please, I beg of you... please do not tell me that you understand when you do not. You cannot.
Please don't tell me what it's like to see a baby on the ultrasound screen and realize there's no movement... to hear the words "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat" ringing in your ears. That all of the hopes and dreams that you once had have gone up in flames and will never, EVER, come to fruition. That you understand jumping out of bed in the middle of the night because you thought you heard a baby crying. That you dream, or have nightmares rather, of seeing your deceased babies and chasing after them as some stranger takes them away from you.... but you never catch up.... and they are gone forever.
Please don't tell me that you know what it's like to try to cut a deal with God and ask him to take you instead so that they can have a chance... that you really, truly, come to a point of being completely okay with dying if you know that your babies will be alive.
Please don't tell me that you "know" or that you "understand" what it's like when you haven't lost a child. Be so grateful that you haven't. Be jubilantly grateful. Be so thankful that there is not a missing hole in your heart that nothing and noone can fill. Be happy that people don't avoid you or just stop talking to you all together. Be glad that people don't excuse themselves from the room or quickly change the subject when you bring up your child's name... like just hearing their name means the black plague.
Tell me that you're sorry. Tell me that you're here for me. Tell me that my feelings are "understandable". But please, I beg of you... please do not tell me that you understand when you do not. You cannot.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
20 weeks
Not too long ago, Bob and Michelle Duggar went in for their anatomy scan, only to find their baby girl no longer had a beating heart. They planned a beautiful memorial service to honor their little one, who they named Jubilee Shalom, and at that service had very tasteful pictures of her. For some reason, these pictures spread like wild fire and with them came much criticism. It was very difficult for me to see and hear such terrible things said about this family as they suffered such a great loss. In many ways blaming the Duggars for what had happened, and saying that the child was better off in the grave than with them, completely infuriated me. The focus lost all priority: instead of being on an innocent life that was taken too soon, it became a personal bashing fest of the entire Duggar family. Regardless of how someone feels about the way they choose to live their lives, or how many children they decide to create, why couldn't a simple sentiment of "this family is grieving the death of their child" take the forefront?
Saying that a picture of Jubilee's perfect tiny feet is "morbid" and "disgusting" literally makes me ill. I can promise you one thing: if I would have been in their position I would have done the exact same thing. Their home will never be filled with baby pictures of Jubilee, or her first birthday, or her first day of school, or her prom, or her wedding. This is the only picture they have to remember her by. Shame on people for being so critical, especially considering they have never been in this position. Like I've said many times, if you don't like it, then don't look at it. Pretty simple.
Mark and I were watching TV last night after Colin had gone to bed and had the TLC channel on. During the commercial break a season preview of the Duggars came on and it was very upsetting to me for a multitude of reasons. One, they found out Jubilee had passed at their ultrasound, which Mark and I just had ours 5 days ago. Two, seeing her and Bob crying reminded me all over again of laying in the emergency room with my husband and begging and pleading with God to wake me up from my nightmare. I don't expect people to understand who haven't had to experience something like this, but I would expect a little humanity and respect.
Tomorrow is also my fellow BLM friend's daughter's 3rd birthday in heaven. Sydney was born at 20 weeks and lived for two hours. Sydney's mother has taken the trajedy and the pain of her death and has decided to do something with it... she is such an advocate for baby loss families and an amazing support system. Her strength in fighting for her daughter's memory is truly inspirational. So Sydney, happy happy birthday sweet baby. You are so very loved.
Saying that a picture of Jubilee's perfect tiny feet is "morbid" and "disgusting" literally makes me ill. I can promise you one thing: if I would have been in their position I would have done the exact same thing. Their home will never be filled with baby pictures of Jubilee, or her first birthday, or her first day of school, or her prom, or her wedding. This is the only picture they have to remember her by. Shame on people for being so critical, especially considering they have never been in this position. Like I've said many times, if you don't like it, then don't look at it. Pretty simple.
Mark and I were watching TV last night after Colin had gone to bed and had the TLC channel on. During the commercial break a season preview of the Duggars came on and it was very upsetting to me for a multitude of reasons. One, they found out Jubilee had passed at their ultrasound, which Mark and I just had ours 5 days ago. Two, seeing her and Bob crying reminded me all over again of laying in the emergency room with my husband and begging and pleading with God to wake me up from my nightmare. I don't expect people to understand who haven't had to experience something like this, but I would expect a little humanity and respect.
Tomorrow is also my fellow BLM friend's daughter's 3rd birthday in heaven. Sydney was born at 20 weeks and lived for two hours. Sydney's mother has taken the trajedy and the pain of her death and has decided to do something with it... she is such an advocate for baby loss families and an amazing support system. Her strength in fighting for her daughter's memory is truly inspirational. So Sydney, happy happy birthday sweet baby. You are so very loved.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
February 7, 2012
This past week has been full of mixed emotions. We had our anatomy scan at the hospital on Friday and were able to see Reagan. The tech was awesome and explained what we were seeing the entire time and even gave us a 3d view of her face! We have another picture of her perfect little feet next to each other. She's just the most beautiful little thing ever. : )
She left the room to have the doctor review everything. He came in and told us that she only has one umbilical artery (instead of two) and my heart dropped. I tried my best to stay off the of my best friend "google" search, but that didn't work out so well. Everything I read made me that much more upset. I can't get into all of it right now... it will just bring me to a bad place.
I spoke with my doctor yesterday and he was very reassuring, telling me that we'll continue to keep a close eye on everything and make sure that she is growing on schedule and there is enough amniotic fluid.
A year ago yesterday, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. It was Gabby. I remember how elated I was and couldn't wait to get home to tell Mark and Colin. I cried the happiest tears that day.
Mark surprised me with Reagan's crib last night when I got home from work. I don't think he realized that a year ago yesterday was when we found out about Gab. I think it's a woman thing. I'm so glad he brought the crib home. It feels so good to have a crib in our house.... to start having visual reminders that we have a baby on the way and a feeling of optimism when I see it. I love seeing her room starting to come together and stand in the nursery imagining what she will look like sleeping in her lavender bedroom.
I want it to be June so badly. I want her to be here and be healthy and safe and focus on settling in to our lives with a new bundle of joy to hold, cuddle, and kiss.
Reagan will never replace Gabrielle or Ryan. I think some people think that once she gets here that we'll move on from this grief stage and forget.... like all should be well. Don't get me wrong. Reagan has already and will continue to bring so much joy, but her arrival will never make me forget about my babies.
I think about them daily. I wonder what they are doing and if they know how much I think of them. If they know how much they are loved and wanted.... if they know all of things I have in my heart that I so badly want to say to them.
She left the room to have the doctor review everything. He came in and told us that she only has one umbilical artery (instead of two) and my heart dropped. I tried my best to stay off the of my best friend "google" search, but that didn't work out so well. Everything I read made me that much more upset. I can't get into all of it right now... it will just bring me to a bad place.
I spoke with my doctor yesterday and he was very reassuring, telling me that we'll continue to keep a close eye on everything and make sure that she is growing on schedule and there is enough amniotic fluid.
A year ago yesterday, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. It was Gabby. I remember how elated I was and couldn't wait to get home to tell Mark and Colin. I cried the happiest tears that day.
Mark surprised me with Reagan's crib last night when I got home from work. I don't think he realized that a year ago yesterday was when we found out about Gab. I think it's a woman thing. I'm so glad he brought the crib home. It feels so good to have a crib in our house.... to start having visual reminders that we have a baby on the way and a feeling of optimism when I see it. I love seeing her room starting to come together and stand in the nursery imagining what she will look like sleeping in her lavender bedroom.
I want it to be June so badly. I want her to be here and be healthy and safe and focus on settling in to our lives with a new bundle of joy to hold, cuddle, and kiss.
Reagan will never replace Gabrielle or Ryan. I think some people think that once she gets here that we'll move on from this grief stage and forget.... like all should be well. Don't get me wrong. Reagan has already and will continue to bring so much joy, but her arrival will never make me forget about my babies.
I think about them daily. I wonder what they are doing and if they know how much I think of them. If they know how much they are loved and wanted.... if they know all of things I have in my heart that I so badly want to say to them.
Friday, January 27, 2012
sweet lullabies
I'm not one for the toys or moblies that go in or on baby's crib to lull them back to sleep... 1: you will fly through batteries at a ridiculous rate, and 2: once they go off at their designated time, you're going back into the room to start them all over again... which means baby sees you and it kind of defeats the purpose.
With Colin, I took my oldest cousin's wife's advice and played a CD on repeat. It was perfect. Colin's favorite was a cd called Lullaby Bereuse. It's a collection of lullabies in French. For those of you that don't speak French, I'm sure you would find it sweet because it's such a beautiful language. For those of you that do speak French, I'm sure you would thoroughly enjoy it like it did. There is just something magical about simple words in a foreign language. One little whimsical song is about little different colored chickens that I always got a kick out of (noone else ever understood that the song was about chickens), but the one that always worked wonders of Colin was "Bonne Nuit" (Good Night) and was sung to the tune of Brahm's lullaby.
It was my go to song to soothe and comfort him, and I remember like yesterday singing it to him whenever he was upset and him immediately calming down and staring up at me with his big brown eyes and thick band of dark eyelashes, reaching up towards my face with his tiny little hands. Singing that song is one of my fondest memories of bonding with my son... it's like he just understood all of the love that was surrounding him and that there was no need cry.
As Colin grew and was learning to speak, he would pick up on the words of the song, and now at almost 7 years old he still enjoys singing what he calls "the crying song" with me. Hearing his sweet little voice sing such simple French words brings me back to his nursery in the middle of the night, completely exhausted but not wanting to trade those moments for the world.
These memories are what brought me to thinking of what special songs I would have with my future children... would they share "Bonne Nuit" with me and Colin, or would we have our own special songs.... just for us.
When we found out that we are having a baby girl, I thought back to my childhood and was so excited to share some of my favorite things with my daughter. I loved Disney movies. I remember my dad had taped Sleeping Beauty twice on the same VHS so that when it was over it would replay ( in order to avoid a complete melt down from me), and I loved Cinderella. Which triggered a memory of my favorite song from Cinderella. "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes"
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true
I find it overly appropriate for our rainbow baby... the one who gaves us hope after the storm. I can't wait to hold her and sing this to her... and I hope that as she grows older she'll remember this song and know to never give up on her dreams, no matter what heartache may come.
With Colin, I took my oldest cousin's wife's advice and played a CD on repeat. It was perfect. Colin's favorite was a cd called Lullaby Bereuse. It's a collection of lullabies in French. For those of you that don't speak French, I'm sure you would find it sweet because it's such a beautiful language. For those of you that do speak French, I'm sure you would thoroughly enjoy it like it did. There is just something magical about simple words in a foreign language. One little whimsical song is about little different colored chickens that I always got a kick out of (noone else ever understood that the song was about chickens), but the one that always worked wonders of Colin was "Bonne Nuit" (Good Night) and was sung to the tune of Brahm's lullaby.
It was my go to song to soothe and comfort him, and I remember like yesterday singing it to him whenever he was upset and him immediately calming down and staring up at me with his big brown eyes and thick band of dark eyelashes, reaching up towards my face with his tiny little hands. Singing that song is one of my fondest memories of bonding with my son... it's like he just understood all of the love that was surrounding him and that there was no need cry.
As Colin grew and was learning to speak, he would pick up on the words of the song, and now at almost 7 years old he still enjoys singing what he calls "the crying song" with me. Hearing his sweet little voice sing such simple French words brings me back to his nursery in the middle of the night, completely exhausted but not wanting to trade those moments for the world.
These memories are what brought me to thinking of what special songs I would have with my future children... would they share "Bonne Nuit" with me and Colin, or would we have our own special songs.... just for us.
When we found out that we are having a baby girl, I thought back to my childhood and was so excited to share some of my favorite things with my daughter. I loved Disney movies. I remember my dad had taped Sleeping Beauty twice on the same VHS so that when it was over it would replay ( in order to avoid a complete melt down from me), and I loved Cinderella. Which triggered a memory of my favorite song from Cinderella. "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes"
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true
I find it overly appropriate for our rainbow baby... the one who gaves us hope after the storm. I can't wait to hold her and sing this to her... and I hope that as she grows older she'll remember this song and know to never give up on her dreams, no matter what heartache may come.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
it's been a while...
It's been a while since I've posted. I'm not exactly sure why. Let's start with an update:
Baby is doing great! I'm currently 19 weeks and she's (yep, she's still a she!) quite the wiggle worm. It started with flutters and now her movements are much more pronounced. We've decided to name her Reagan Elizabeth (Elizabeth after her Gabrielle). I love that Reagan is of Irish origin meaning "the king's child" because she certainly indeed is our little princess, and Elizabeth meaning "God's promise". We're planning on painting her nursery tomorrow night a beautiful shade of faint lavender and I can't wait to walk past a room every day to remind me that she is coming.
I've been so focused on researching everything online and web "window shopping" for her, and although I think it's normal for every pregnant woman to do it to some extent, I often wonder if I'm overdoing it. I've done a lot of reflection the past few weeks and have concluded that it is my way of staying positive... of telling myself "she IS coming and you need to be ready!"... of saying "everything is going to be okay."
What's thrown me off the saddle has been my mental difficulty with the second trimester. I had myself so concerned with getting through the first without miscarrying again and thought I would settle comfortably into the second and just enjoy. And I do enjoy, believe me. But I often find my mind racing with anxiety and concerns about something going wrong.
When the Duggar's lost their baby, one of my subconsious thoughts was "What will we do? Will we have a memorial? Will people think we are totally insane because we have pictures of her?... because they cannot see the beauty in the few minutes that we had with her? Because they are naive and just don't understand?".
One of my reactions to a baby shower for Reagan was google searching "what do you do with baby shower gifts when the baby dies".
It's not healthy. I know this. I can't control it. I obviously want none of these things to happen... I feel so much love for this baby that the thought of her being taken away completely terrifies me.
And I chalk a lot of it up to not preparing myself. To being naive and thinking that after the first trimester my anxieties would be gone.
I've taken quite a bit of heat for this blog.... I've received a few messages from people trying to tell me that my blog is insulting and negative and that I need to be thankful for what I do have and quit dwelling on my miscarriages. So once again, I will reitterate:
This is my blog. Noone is forcing you to read this. My grief is MY grief and I will not be told what to do with it. Not that I have to explain this to anyone, but I'll continue. I am terribly grateful for my life.... I have an amazing husband, and gorgeous little boy, a beautiful home, and a loving family. None of these things take away the fact that I have lost two children, and losing two children doesn't negate the fact that my spouse is fantastic, my son's a great as they come, and we adore our family and our home. So again, this is my journey. I am working through everything. If you already knew everything there was about losing a pregnancy and moving forward, then I don't see why you are here. YOUR negative and insulting comments are not wanted or necessary. And start from the beginning and read through. Picking some of the most "down" entries does not speak for the entire blog.
Baby is doing great! I'm currently 19 weeks and she's (yep, she's still a she!) quite the wiggle worm. It started with flutters and now her movements are much more pronounced. We've decided to name her Reagan Elizabeth (Elizabeth after her Gabrielle). I love that Reagan is of Irish origin meaning "the king's child" because she certainly indeed is our little princess, and Elizabeth meaning "God's promise". We're planning on painting her nursery tomorrow night a beautiful shade of faint lavender and I can't wait to walk past a room every day to remind me that she is coming.
I've been so focused on researching everything online and web "window shopping" for her, and although I think it's normal for every pregnant woman to do it to some extent, I often wonder if I'm overdoing it. I've done a lot of reflection the past few weeks and have concluded that it is my way of staying positive... of telling myself "she IS coming and you need to be ready!"... of saying "everything is going to be okay."
What's thrown me off the saddle has been my mental difficulty with the second trimester. I had myself so concerned with getting through the first without miscarrying again and thought I would settle comfortably into the second and just enjoy. And I do enjoy, believe me. But I often find my mind racing with anxiety and concerns about something going wrong.
When the Duggar's lost their baby, one of my subconsious thoughts was "What will we do? Will we have a memorial? Will people think we are totally insane because we have pictures of her?... because they cannot see the beauty in the few minutes that we had with her? Because they are naive and just don't understand?".
One of my reactions to a baby shower for Reagan was google searching "what do you do with baby shower gifts when the baby dies".
It's not healthy. I know this. I can't control it. I obviously want none of these things to happen... I feel so much love for this baby that the thought of her being taken away completely terrifies me.
And I chalk a lot of it up to not preparing myself. To being naive and thinking that after the first trimester my anxieties would be gone.
I've taken quite a bit of heat for this blog.... I've received a few messages from people trying to tell me that my blog is insulting and negative and that I need to be thankful for what I do have and quit dwelling on my miscarriages. So once again, I will reitterate:
This is my blog. Noone is forcing you to read this. My grief is MY grief and I will not be told what to do with it. Not that I have to explain this to anyone, but I'll continue. I am terribly grateful for my life.... I have an amazing husband, and gorgeous little boy, a beautiful home, and a loving family. None of these things take away the fact that I have lost two children, and losing two children doesn't negate the fact that my spouse is fantastic, my son's a great as they come, and we adore our family and our home. So again, this is my journey. I am working through everything. If you already knew everything there was about losing a pregnancy and moving forward, then I don't see why you are here. YOUR negative and insulting comments are not wanted or necessary. And start from the beginning and read through. Picking some of the most "down" entries does not speak for the entire blog.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
nuchal translucency screening
Mark and I woke up at 5:30 this morning to get ready to go to the hospital for our screening test.
They began the ultrasound and we saw our little peanut "sleeping"... after a cough and some jiggling they woke up and it was just amazing....
Little fingers and toes and a knee and a perfect little mouth opening and closing. Just amazing.
The amount of fluid behind the neck looked perfectly normal, and see that little bitty nasal bone gave me a sense of relief.
Never before was I concerned about down syndrome, or trisomy 13 or trisomy 18 or other "defects", but as I layed through this screening you can't help but wonder if everything looks normal.
And it does. : ) The blood results will come back on Monday or Tuesday.
We had the test done because we never had any sort of chromosonal testing done when I had a D&C with Gabrielle.... if you remember from my previous post I was TOLD they were doing it, but in fact they never did. We wanted to know that the only thing we're looking at at this point is MTHFR that led to my children's death.
So three wonderful things happened today:
We saw our little wiggle worm.
They look perfectly wonderful.
We're having a GIRL!
With about 90% assurace, the tech feels confident that our little one is a girl and we are over the moon. We would be completely happy with either gender, but it feels so good knowing either way.
A girl..... WOW. I am still in shock I think. I've been so used to sweater vests and a choice of either plaid or stripes with a little boy for nearly 7 years now that the thought of pinks, purples, frills, and bows is so... NEW. Refreshing.
I can't wait to meet you, Reagan Elizabeth.
xo-Momma
They began the ultrasound and we saw our little peanut "sleeping"... after a cough and some jiggling they woke up and it was just amazing....
Little fingers and toes and a knee and a perfect little mouth opening and closing. Just amazing.
The amount of fluid behind the neck looked perfectly normal, and see that little bitty nasal bone gave me a sense of relief.
Never before was I concerned about down syndrome, or trisomy 13 or trisomy 18 or other "defects", but as I layed through this screening you can't help but wonder if everything looks normal.
And it does. : ) The blood results will come back on Monday or Tuesday.
We had the test done because we never had any sort of chromosonal testing done when I had a D&C with Gabrielle.... if you remember from my previous post I was TOLD they were doing it, but in fact they never did. We wanted to know that the only thing we're looking at at this point is MTHFR that led to my children's death.
So three wonderful things happened today:
We saw our little wiggle worm.
They look perfectly wonderful.
We're having a GIRL!
With about 90% assurace, the tech feels confident that our little one is a girl and we are over the moon. We would be completely happy with either gender, but it feels so good knowing either way.
A girl..... WOW. I am still in shock I think. I've been so used to sweater vests and a choice of either plaid or stripes with a little boy for nearly 7 years now that the thought of pinks, purples, frills, and bows is so... NEW. Refreshing.
I can't wait to meet you, Reagan Elizabeth.
xo-Momma
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