February 7, 2012

This past week has been full of mixed emotions. We had our anatomy scan at the hospital on Friday and were able to see Reagan. The tech was awesome and explained what we were seeing the entire time and even gave us a 3d view of her face! We have another picture of her perfect little feet next to each other. She's just the most beautiful little thing ever. : )

She left the room to have the doctor review everything. He came in and told us that she only has one umbilical artery (instead of two) and my heart dropped. I tried my best to stay off the of my best friend "google" search, but that didn't work out so well. Everything I read made me that much more upset. I can't get into all of it right now... it will just bring me to a bad place.

I spoke with my doctor yesterday and he was very reassuring, telling me that we'll continue to keep a close eye on everything and make sure that she is growing on schedule and there is enough amniotic fluid.

A year ago yesterday, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. It was Gabby. I remember how elated I was and couldn't wait to get home to tell Mark and Colin. I cried the happiest tears that day.

Mark surprised me with Reagan's crib last night when I got home from work. I don't think he realized that a year ago yesterday was when we found out about Gab. I think it's a woman thing. I'm so glad he brought the crib home. It feels so good to have a crib in our house.... to start having visual reminders that we have a baby on the way and a feeling of optimism when I see it. I love seeing her room starting to come together and stand in the nursery imagining what she will look like sleeping in her lavender bedroom.

I want it to be June so badly. I want her to be here and be healthy and safe and focus on settling in to our lives with a new bundle of joy to hold, cuddle, and kiss.

Reagan will never replace Gabrielle or Ryan. I think some people think that once she gets here that we'll move on from this grief stage and forget.... like all should be well. Don't get me wrong. Reagan has already and will continue to bring so much joy, but her arrival will never make me forget about my babies.

I think about them daily. I wonder what they are doing and if they know how much I think of them. If they know how much they are loved and wanted.... if they know all of things I have in my heart that I so badly want to say to them.