it's been a while...

It's been a while since I've posted. I'm not exactly sure why. Let's start with an update:

Baby is doing great! I'm currently 19 weeks and she's (yep, she's still a she!) quite the wiggle worm. It started with flutters and now her movements are much more pronounced. We've decided to name her Reagan Elizabeth (Elizabeth after her Gabrielle). I love that Reagan is of Irish origin meaning "the king's child" because she certainly indeed is our little princess, and Elizabeth meaning "God's promise". We're planning on painting her nursery tomorrow night a beautiful shade of faint lavender and I can't wait to walk past a room every day to remind me that she is coming.
 I've been so focused on researching everything online and web "window shopping" for her, and although I think it's normal for every pregnant woman to do it to some extent, I often wonder if I'm overdoing it. I've done a lot of reflection the past few weeks and have concluded that it is my way of staying positive... of telling myself "she IS coming and you need to be ready!"... of saying "everything is going to be okay."
What's thrown me off the saddle has been my mental difficulty with the second trimester. I had myself so concerned with getting through the first without miscarrying again and thought I would settle comfortably into the second and just enjoy. And I do enjoy, believe me. But I often find my mind racing with anxiety and concerns about something going wrong.
When the Duggar's lost their baby, one of my subconsious thoughts was "What will we do? Will we have a memorial? Will people think we are totally insane because we have pictures of her?... because they cannot see the beauty in the few minutes that we had with her? Because they are naive and just don't understand?".
One of my reactions to a baby shower for Reagan was google searching "what do you do with baby shower gifts when the baby dies".
It's not healthy. I know this. I can't control it. I obviously want none of these things to happen... I feel so much love for this baby that the thought of her being taken away completely terrifies me.
And I chalk a lot of it up to not preparing myself. To being naive and thinking that after the first trimester my anxieties would be gone.

I've taken quite a bit of heat for this blog.... I've received a few messages from people trying to tell me that my blog is insulting and negative and that I need to be thankful for what I do have and quit dwelling on my miscarriages. So once again, I will reitterate:

This is my blog. Noone is forcing you to read this. My grief is MY grief and I will not be told what to do with it. Not that I have to explain this to anyone, but I'll continue. I am terribly grateful for my life.... I have an amazing husband, and gorgeous little boy, a beautiful home, and a loving family. None of these things take away the fact that I have lost two children, and losing two children doesn't negate the fact that my spouse is fantastic, my son's a great as they come, and we adore our family and our home. So again, this is my journey. I am working through everything. If you already knew everything there was about losing a pregnancy and moving forward, then I don't see why you are here. YOUR negative and insulting comments are not wanted or necessary. And start from the beginning and read through. Picking some of the most "down" entries does not speak for the entire blog.