Ryan James

I told myself after we lost Gabby that I wouldn't get too excited again.... I wouldn't get attached... I wouldn't set up another trap for myself just to end in heartbreak.

That didn't happen.

With Ryan, the hope came back. There was joy again.
Every doctors visit went well. I had blood draws every other day and watched my HCG double. I took progesterone supplements. Everything seemed to be going just fine.
I studied toilet paper to make sure I wasn't spotting. I was paranoid.

My husband and I went to my friend's college graduation. I used the restroom and casually glanced down... it was routine but I wasn't exactly studying it as I had been before.... but there was blood.

I came out of the bathroom shaking. I told Mark I needed to go home. I sent my friend a text message apologizing. I just couldn't do it.

We called the doctor who once again told me to take it easy and just relax. Sometime in the middle of the night the spotting stopped. I felt so relieved thinking that it was just typical "pregnancy spotting".

The following night I woke up to much more blood. I went to the doctor's office, who told me it wasn't anything to worry about and my HCG levels looked great. They did an ultrasound and couldn't see anything. They chalked it up to being too early.

The doctor then saw me and told me he didn't have any way of explaining the bleeding. They took another blood draw.

The next morning I receieved a call. The nurse was crying. She said they had all been rooting for me and she had been the one that called me every other day letting my know my HCG was climbing.

This blood draw showed that my HCG had taken a drastic nose dive. I was miscarrying again.

It was exactly 3 months to the date that I had the D&C with Gabrielle.

I left work. I screamed in my car. I cursed at God. I got home and sat there like a zombie. I was so hurt, so angry, and so full of hatred towards I didn't even know what.

I was mad at myself for getting attached... for setting myself up to be hurt again... but how can a mother not love their child? As much as I had tried to resist I loved that baby with all of my heart and soul.

I lost Ryan through natural miscarriage. There was no D&C. It was just time to wait it out.

It took 13 days until it was complete. 13 days of being reminded all over again of what was happening. 13 days of being afraid to leave my home because I never knew what to expect.

I went to the doctor after the miscarriage was complete. They followed my HCG down to zero. I came to him with a typed page full of questions. Most of them he seemed to laugh off and kept looking at his watch. I felt like he couldn't be bothered, and that my losses were just "one of those things".... "this kind of stuff happens". Before coming in to the office, I did a lot of research. I demanded a thrombophilia panel to be ran. He said that he didn't really see the need for it and that they don't order them until after 3 losses. I kept insisting on having it done, and he finally gave me the order for the test.

My thinking was that if this really was "one of those things" and it "just happens" then prove it.... show me that there is not other logical explanation.