They know of things I do not

It took me a while to start seeing past my anger. I don't exactly know how I did it, or what caused me to see past it, but in my despair of loss I thought over and over again of all of the things we would never get to do with our daughter.

We would never have the immediate joy after labor our looking at our beautiful girl and saying what a miracle she was.

We would never see the faces of loved ones the first time they met her.

We would never have a baptism where we could formally commit her to God.

We would never have her firsts: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, graduations. Nothing.

We would never see her off to her first day of school. We'd never see her first communion. We'd never help her with homework, or children making fun of her for whatever ridiculous reason they could find.

We'd never get to hold her when she fell and scraped a knee, or nurse her when she was sick, or help her broken heart when her first boyfriend broke it and she felt her world was tumbling down.

We'd never see her off to college.

I'd never see Mark give away his little girl on her wedding day.

We'd never see her pregnant with our grandchildren and the joy it would bring.

But something inside of me made me think of all of the positive things that she wouldn't experience...

She never had any fear. She never was sick. She never fell and scraped her knee. She never had her heartbroken. She never had any worries. She never questioned herself. She never knew hate or prejudice. She never knew financial stresses.


And I can tell you with 100% certainty that all my daughter knows is love. She knows love, light, and beauty.... and in a very bittersweet way she's been giving everything I would have given to her. She knows nothing but joy and happiness. Isn't that what all mothers want for our children, after all?

She knows what heaven is like. She has met God. She's with my grandfather that I never knew.... and still being teased by my dear pop-pop.

So it is not the will of your Father in heaven that one of these little ones should be lost Matthew 18:14

I cry as I write this. I would give my life to have her here.... but because there is nothing I can do to change what has happened, I must keep reassuring myself of these things. I must remind myself that she is happy and safe, and if I was going to let anyone else raise my child, who better than God? I consider myself a good mother.... but God is a totally different ball game.

Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes:

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies in my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"

And I really hope that I am the mother that Gabby and Ryan can be proud of.