Shock

After I came back to my senses in the ER, my husband and I held on to each other and sobbed. Utter heartwrenching sobs from a place deep within us that I never knew existed.

I've lost people close to me before. All four of my grandparents are deceased. One of my good friends from high school was killed in a drunk driving accident a few years ago. Those deaths were difficult enough.

But this overwhelming sense of grief and loss felt unbearable. I felt dead and empty. I felt like a zombie. My vision was blurred, my heart literally hurt, and my insides felt like stone.

I realized I still had the IV and was in a gown covered in blood. I got up and went out to the nurses station.

As I watched all of the nurses happily chatting away about this, that, and the other, I grabbed the arm of the man closest to me. He just stared at me and finally said "Ma'am, can I help you?"

"Take out the IV" I told him. "Take it out and give me my discharge papers. I am going home."

He asked who my nurse was and I took a quick look across the room. I had never paid attention to the woman who had been in my room before. All I knew is that she had red hair and was female.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around. It was her. "Ma'am you need to go back in your room. We'll be with you shortly."

The tears came flowing again. "Take out the IV" I kept insisting. They were the only words that I could bring to my lips. I heard her saying something, but I kept repeating myself over and over again, until finally I had enough.

"There's nothing you can do for me here. Can you make my baby's heartbeat start again?"

"The doctor said that everything will be just fine. Your baby is okay. You need to calm down and just relax."

"How am I supposed to relax when my child is dead inside of me? How is that even physically possible?" I asked her.

" You don't know that the fetus is dead. The doctor said...."

" Don't you dare call my child a fetus. It's a baby. I don't care what the doctor said. I just saw my baby and there is no heartbeat. I'm miscarrying. Unless you can bring them back, I'm going home."

" I didn't realize you had the ultrasound. I'm sorry."

I just stared at her and again told her to come in the room and take out the IV and walked away. About a half an hour later a new man came in and took it out and I got dressed. The nurse came in with discharge papers, and as soon as I looked at them the only thing I saw on that white piece of paper was "spontaneous abortion".

Now, I understand that spontaneous abortion is a medical term, but complete rage built up inside of me.

This baby wasn't aborted. There was no place for the term "abortion" when it came to my family. This baby was so very wanted and loved. Why was I staring at a term, with my name and information on it, that has the meaning of something completely opposite than what was going on?

Never once did the doctor come back. I never saw him again. I was never told what would happen next, or reasons why this could have happened. Just papers with "spontaneous abortion" plastered on them.

I left with my husband and we rode back in silence. The only sound I remember is Mark on the phone with his parents telling them that we lost the baby, and I curled up in the passenger seat and did the only thing I was capable of doing at the time. I cried until there weren't any tears left in me.