and along came Ryan

Mark and I decided to start trying again. Not a moment passed where I didn't think of our daughter. I never have had the expectation of "getting over it" or "moving on"...... but I did want to move forward. I believe that's what she would want for us.

As I stared a pregnancy test after pregnancy test with no positive results, it reminded me all over again of how Gabby wasn't with us. I shouldn't be getting a pregnancy test.... I should have been pregnant. We would have had our 20 week ultrasound. We would have registered at Babies R Us. We would have been painting a nursery. Instead, I walked by the room that should have been the nursery every solitary day, and my heart ached.

June came, and with it my birthday and Colin's birthday. I looked at the babies at his party and missed my daughter... I'd never be able to plan her birthday parties, or pick out her birthday outfit, or any of the things that mothers get to do for their daughters for that matter.

I knew that Father's Day was fast approaching. I wanted so badly to have some hope by Father's Day. I wanted to give my husband a child.

I spent ridiculous amounts of money on pregnancy tests in June... I cried when each of them were negative. I put myself through total torture knowing that it was too early to test, and each and every time I saw that negative sign my heart broke all over again.

The day before Father's Day I whipped out the last digital test I had since I had used all of the others. I had made a pact, which at the time I was fully committed to, and told myself that if it was negative, I was waiting until my period was late to buy another. I watched the timer on the test start, and lay down on the floor and cried. I cried out to God to please give us baby... to please let it say pregnant... to please help heal our hearts. I told him I was sick of feeling like a failure of a wife to my husband. I was sick of feeling like a failure of a woman. I was sick of being so devastated and heartbroken every minute of every day. I was tired of crying myself to sleep. I was tired of being a zombie. I begged and I pleaded to please take some of the pain away. I put it all on God that day in our tiny bathroom. Everything I had, every thought and every hurt I gave to him. I cried until Mark knocked on the door asking if everything was okay.

I came out of my trance. I replied I was fine and would out in a minute. I got up and dried my eyes and remembered the test. I picked it up, and plain as day in front of me...

"Pregnant"

I stood there in total shock and disbelief. The tears all came flooding back as I thanked God for listening to me and giving us what we so badly needed... the chance to have a baby again.  Mark knocked on the door, again, asking if I was alright. I told him I was, stashed the test under the waist of my pants, and told him I was going out to the store to pick up groceries for dinner.

I ran out and purchased some tissue paper and a gift bag and wrapped the test.

That Father's Day was a great day to remember.... but I now realize that it was a whole new chapter on the journey. This pregnancy wasn't going to be like Colin's or Gabby's.... I had lost my innocence and knew that just because you were pregnant didn't mean that you were going to have a baby.