Easter

Easter should be such a happy time. Spring! Pastel colors painted on everything. Egg hunts. Sunday dresses. Chicks and ducklings.

We dyed Easter eggs with Colin, as always. This year, as is tradition in our house, everyone had their name on an egg.... including Gabby. Hers was the prettiest shade of purple, and the smile that came across Colin's face as he read her name aloud melted my heart.

Easter was the first time we would be around the whole family. It terrified me.

Once again I was drug out of safety of my house, the place where I could shelter myself from babies and pregnancy and happy parents.

Our family has a few people in it in the medical field. At my husband's grandmas, I walked past some of them talking about children they had seen in terrible shape at the hospital. One had been beaten to death to the point where you couldn't even recognize it was a baby anymore. Here was I wishing I could trade places with my little girl, and other people are killing theirs. I felt so sick.

I silently walked out of the kitchen and sat in the family room, staring out the window. I looked at the chair that Mark's grandpa had sat in in front of the picture window. It reminded me of when I was a child and my grandfather was dying of cancer for years. He sat on the seat right by the picture window and watched all of the squirrels going up and down the trees that lined the street. I imagined my pop-pop teasing all of us girls and scooping us up in his big arms, and my nana yelling from the kitchen "Bud, leave those girls alone!".

We acted like we couldn't stand it, but we loved every minute of it. I thought of him sneaking us out to 7-11 for yet ANOTHER slurpee... or taking us to the penny candy store and walking back with a massive bag full of candy. Sitting on his lap watching the baseball game and the hundreds of hats he had lining the stairs down to the basement.

I thought about him holding Gabby in heaven, scooping her up in his big arms and chasing her around. For a moment, I thought I could smell his scent.

Mark's mom found me and sat next to me, putting her around me. We didn't say anything.... we just sat on the couch and looked out the front window. I allowed the tears to fall.