Here goes nothing...

I've learned through my losses that life is too short. There are no guarantees. That every breath we breathe is a gift on it's own. Not to expect much of anything.... from anyone.

I should be delivering a baby in 18 days. I should be cleaning like a fool and double checking my bag to make sure everything is ready for the hospital.

These things won't be happening in 18 days. I miscarried 166 days ago... it's been a long 166 days of pain, anger, grief, tears, screaming, nightmares,  and total exhaustion. It's been full of disappointment in God, the world, the medical system, family, and friends.

However, through the darkness there has been some light. It didn't shine brightly at first, but as I count down the days to when we should be welcoming our baby into the world it somehow seems to get brighter. Somedays not as much as others, but it's still there.

It's been a hard thing to explain... this "light".  And it has only occurred to me as I sit and type this that this "light" is a whole new sense of love. A radiant, glowing sense of love that has humbled me in so many ways. We'll talk about that later.

In the meantime, I would love to tell you about my children. Colin Michael was born in June of 2005.Gabrielle Elizabeth was born to the heavens in March 2011, and three months to the day later her brother, Ryan James, followed her in June 2011. 

For my husband and I being newlyweds, this experience has been a true test of our marriage. It's been a test of my faith, both in God and myself. It's been the hardest thing I've had to go through.

There were days I thought I would die of a broken heart. There were days that I felt I couldn't breathe. There were days where I thought I would go blind from all of the tears.

But I'm here. I'm alive. I'm surviving. It's not easy, but somehow it's happening. There is still so much for me to do here on this Earth, and believe me when I tell you getting to this point was by no means easy. It's a journey that I am still on.

And everyday Gabby and Ryan are with me on this journey in spirit. I feel them in laughter, in the breeze, and in the sunshine. I see them in flowers, rainbows, and butterflies. And only a mother who has lost a child can understand these feelings.... of just knowing that they are with me. Some may call me crazy.... I just say I'm a mother head over heels in love with my babies.

I write this blog not just about sadness, but about the joyous lessons that my daughter and son have taught me and continue to teach. I don't believe that they died for no reason.... I am determined to take this experience and if it can help just ONE person, then they didn't die for nothing.

And so this will conclude my first of many posts. I have every intention of telling my entire story, the story of Gabrielle and Ryan, the feelings of despair, and tearful moments of joy, the disappointment in doctors, nurses, family, and friends, and the wonderful relationships and people that my children have introduced me to along the way.

Some may not agree with my feelings or my ideas, some may not understand, but that's perfectly okay and I accept that! These are MY feelings and this blog is my expression of them. With that being said, as I respect that people grieve in many different ways and none of them are right or wrong, I beg you to keep that in mind as I start out on this little quest.

And to Gabby and Ryan, as I am teaching your big brother how to tie his shoes, I think of how I won't be able to teach you how to tie yours. I can practically hear you two giggling at us as we're talking about bunnies running around and going through holes and getting frustrated. Behave, you two.

All my love, as always,
Momma