having "the talk" with Colin

The weeks and months to come were.... odd. I spent most of my time as separated from people as possible. The one time I went out with a friend for "girl's night" I purposely tried to drink as much as I could handle just to numb the pain. I drank like a fish....and I can handle my own..... but nothing worked. I still felt sober. My heart still was broken. I was still hurt.

I looked back to the day I told Colin what had happened. Colin's a pretty smart cookie... he knew something wasn't right. He kept asking me why I was so sad. I tried not to cry in front of him, but apparently misery was written all over my face.

I finally sat him down, and told him what I thought would be best for him. I told him that our baby was just so beautiful, and SO perfect, that God decided that he needed to keep her as an angel.

that didn't go over so well. Colin wouldn't look at me or talk to me. I soon found out that he was afraid that I (since he said that I'm the most beautiful momma) would be taken by God too.... and Daddy.... and Grandma...and the cat...

Yeah. I failed with that one.

So I decided it was time to get real. How do you explain something to your young child that you can't even explain to yourself? I told him what I knew. I explained that the baby had died, and noone knew why, and that daddy and I are very sad and that it was okay for him to be sad too. I said that our baby was with God and that we can talk to them whenever we like. Daddy and I named her Gabrielle, and we gave her the nickname Gabby, and we loved her and Colin very much.

And then my little man looked at me and said "Don't worry, Momma. God will take care of her." and off he went.

WHAT?! How could this little guy feel so secure in that?

Colin sat at the kitchen table and drew the most amazing picture of all of us on a picnic.... with a blanket, basket and all.... and he drew himself playing catch with a little girl in a blue and red dress and a bow in her hair. All of this time where I kept talking about my baby and thinking of babies, Colin had been looking for a playmate. Someone to play catch with and tease Mark and I with their crazy antics.

My heart broke for my son that day. I felt that much more of a failure. I'd let him down too.